Creating Intrinsic Joy Again...
I've spent the last few months much like I usually do this time of the year, hibernating and introspecting. It's hard to deal with many people when I am going through this metamorphosis. I need the quiet and solitude in order to allow myself not only to grieve losses if necessary but also to get the fire inside hot enough for the Phoenix to rise from the ashes of what was and is no longer. Redefining yourself, your view of success and quality of life, and your goals and dreams isn't easy. It means analyzing what is really possible and accepting the reality that some things just cannot be. I have fought it in the past only to eventually crash and burn but have always risen out of it as that fiery bird... Phoenix...
As I come out of my shell this week I am accepting there are things I cannot do: putting helping others before staying well myself, pushing constantly without real rest, pushing for huge goals instead of breaking it down into smaller pieces. Trading the great that I can do for the good that I could do but would leave me with no energy for the greater goals and differences I can make.
I was born with a gift. A few actually. They are double edged coming with good and bad points. I was born with a very rare disease called mitochondrial disease - I fatigue easily, need home health, need breathing support at night and as my very knowledgeable doctor reminds me at each visit I have to prepare for the fact I will eventually need a vent and later on other machines to stay alive. This is hard, I spend a lot of time sick and at home or at the doctors offices. However, it has also motivated me. I had to redefine what I can do to create meaning from suffering and what I can do to truly make positive social change in the world. I never wanted to settle for just donating to a cause - I wanted to create the program that would bring about the change in others and to remind them they are loved and valued. I still have my voice and am not afraid to use it - public speaking doesn't scare me, I see it as a way to help people feel the hope and beauty in the world. I still have my hands and love to write as well as create. I am able to express through my poetry, writing and art something that can bring comfort and hope to others.
Just as I got out of my rut and got back on social media I found out my community is opening a rehabilitation center nearby. There are many mixed feelings - understandably so - about it going up in our neighborhood. However, 43612 has the highest death rate for overdoses in Toledo. If this is done well we have the chance to change that. There is also a youth after school program that very much needs volunteers - the library was a safe place for me as a child but I also know if children don't feel valued and the security that boundaries give they will test to find a boundary and they will act out until they see if people really care about them or not, including their peers. I can speak, I can write, I can reach the hurting, I can help those who see a hopeless situation see the good that our community COULD have if only it supported those who need love desperately. I am Phoenix.
As I come out of my shell this week I am accepting there are things I cannot do: putting helping others before staying well myself, pushing constantly without real rest, pushing for huge goals instead of breaking it down into smaller pieces. Trading the great that I can do for the good that I could do but would leave me with no energy for the greater goals and differences I can make.
I was born with a gift. A few actually. They are double edged coming with good and bad points. I was born with a very rare disease called mitochondrial disease - I fatigue easily, need home health, need breathing support at night and as my very knowledgeable doctor reminds me at each visit I have to prepare for the fact I will eventually need a vent and later on other machines to stay alive. This is hard, I spend a lot of time sick and at home or at the doctors offices. However, it has also motivated me. I had to redefine what I can do to create meaning from suffering and what I can do to truly make positive social change in the world. I never wanted to settle for just donating to a cause - I wanted to create the program that would bring about the change in others and to remind them they are loved and valued. I still have my voice and am not afraid to use it - public speaking doesn't scare me, I see it as a way to help people feel the hope and beauty in the world. I still have my hands and love to write as well as create. I am able to express through my poetry, writing and art something that can bring comfort and hope to others.
Just as I got out of my rut and got back on social media I found out my community is opening a rehabilitation center nearby. There are many mixed feelings - understandably so - about it going up in our neighborhood. However, 43612 has the highest death rate for overdoses in Toledo. If this is done well we have the chance to change that. There is also a youth after school program that very much needs volunteers - the library was a safe place for me as a child but I also know if children don't feel valued and the security that boundaries give they will test to find a boundary and they will act out until they see if people really care about them or not, including their peers. I can speak, I can write, I can reach the hurting, I can help those who see a hopeless situation see the good that our community COULD have if only it supported those who need love desperately. I am Phoenix.
Comments
Post a Comment