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Pieces

Pieces scattered shattered on the floor The mess - some my own doing and some my undoing Afraid to pick up the sharp shards for fear of bleeding or others seeing me, the one responsible One piece at a time, slowly, gingerly picking them up But also taking time to glance into their imperfect perfection One piece - the pain and regret of not protecting others from the monsters who tore my heart at a young age Another - being too different than my family to feel welcome One showed not only the pain of running from my God and denying my faith far more thrice but also fear of crawling back into his safe arms Then the one letting myself be pushed into acts I couldn't comprehend others doing - selling my body for money or in exchange for keeping an unfeeling husband happy because I doubted my ability to live A particularly sharp piece showed the pain my children felt as I walked away from that and hoping for a better life for them as they became men Ouch, this one bleeds a lit...
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Changes

Tonight as I awkwardly climbed up the gorgeous Victorian spiraling staircase of my new apartment building (unpacking going slowly) I found myself face to face with someone I've never met but feel I've known my whole life as our stories and social circles were passed back and forth like balloons of joy and peacefulness.  I was simply wandering the halls looking for other artists who would like to come to a craft night - those who know me well know I love to craft. Those who know me really really well know I love welcoming others into my space and hosting events. This woman was wise beyond her years and we shared so much under the sun. I'm thankful for open people who simply want to be real and have others be real in return. Society has lost this (I'm actually trying to thing of when it ever was that transparent historically). We tend to have a mask for every season and reason with no regret or thought that maybe someone may accept us, scars and all. We all have so many...
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Late night thoughts

I find myself at night lately contemplating the twists and turns and strange paths my life has taken. I wonder how I managed to make it through everything, why I had to go through it to begin with and how I still have managed to seek joy. I know the answers to these questions, but they run through my mind nonetheless. None of us are promised a pain free life. In fact, someone well known said that YES, we will have difficulty, we will face adversity, but it will be ok because the world has been overcome. Love is in control in the end. In my life that comes to my faith - I believe that I survived what I have and still have breath in my lungs and joy in my heart because my God has control and will change what was meant to cause harm into something beautiful and good. I also believe that nothing protects us from challenges in life. We will ALL have some of our own. The question is what will we do with them. Will we stagnate or blame others or other things for life being terrible? Or will...
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This is what it feels like

This is what it feels like... Inside the Mind of a Chronically Ill Person Debating If They Should Post on Facebook
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Creating Intrinsic Joy Again...

I've spent the last few months much like I usually do this time of the year, hibernating and introspecting. It's hard to deal with many people when I am going through this metamorphosis. I need the quiet and solitude in order to allow myself not only to grieve losses if necessary but also to get the fire inside hot enough for the Phoenix to rise from the ashes of what was and is no longer. Redefining yourself, your view of success and quality of life, and your goals and dreams isn't easy. It means analyzing what is really possible and accepting the reality that some things just cannot be. I have fought it in the past only to eventually crash and burn but have always risen out of it as that fiery bird... Phoenix... As I come out of my shell this week I am accepting there are things I cannot do: putting helping others before staying well myself, pushing constantly without real rest, pushing for huge goals instead of breaking it down into smaller pieces. Trading the great th...
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